Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
The Greatest Christmas Decoration Ever!
(I Received This In An E-Mail This Morning)
(Don't Forget To Read Description Below Image)
(Don't Forget To Read Description Below Image)
"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever.Great stories. But two things made me take it down.
First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.
Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard."
Click Here To Learn How To Send Your Christmas Cards Fast!
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Sunday, April 19, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Giving A Scammer The Runaround
I got this from a friend and thought it was funny as hell.
http://www.collegeiseasy.net/runaround.html
http://www.collegeiseasy.net/runaround.html
I Hope That You Never Have A JellyFish Bad Day
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn.
I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done...In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it
would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn.
I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done...In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it
would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!
Just In Time For Valentines Day...
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION* *
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME* *
WITH THE _MOST ROMANTIC_ FIRST LINE,* *
AND THE _LEAST ROMANTIC_ SECOND LINE:*
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
* *
* *
*
WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?*
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME* *
WITH THE _MOST ROMANTIC_ FIRST LINE,* *
AND THE _LEAST ROMANTIC_ SECOND LINE:*
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
* *
* *
*
WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?*
How To Install A Home Security System
How to install a home security system
1. Go to the Goodwill Store and buy a pair of men's work boots, size 14-16 (well used).
2. Place them on the front porch along with a copy of Gun and Ammo magazine.
3. Put a couple of BIG dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a handwritten note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba! Big Jim, Duke, Slim and Me went for more ammo....be back in about 1 hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls--they got after the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all the dogs in the house. Just wait outside til we get back.
Cooter
1. Go to the Goodwill Store and buy a pair of men's work boots, size 14-16 (well used).
2. Place them on the front porch along with a copy of Gun and Ammo magazine.
3. Put a couple of BIG dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a handwritten note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba! Big Jim, Duke, Slim and Me went for more ammo....be back in about 1 hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls--they got after the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all the dogs in the house. Just wait outside til we get back.
Cooter
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
Sad News About The Pillsbury Doughboy...
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flakey at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
The Funniest Facebook Group Invitation I have Ever Received
I get lots of facebook invites...this one takes the cake for one of the funniest I have ever received.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
We Are In Trouble...
The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 40 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are currently receiving unemployment.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work
for state and city Governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are.
Sitting on your butt.
At your computer, reading jokes.
Nice...Real nice
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 40 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are currently receiving unemployment.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work
for state and city Governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are.
Sitting on your butt.
At your computer, reading jokes.
Nice...Real nice
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